I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
But theres a keg here and me gusta
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
