and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
