Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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