You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
