Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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