Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
