This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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