yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
