dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
