When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
