i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
