Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize