I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
