Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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