I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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