weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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