he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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