Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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