I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
