In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
