Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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