tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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