she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
