The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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