Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
