I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
