I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
