pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i've created a new STD.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
