Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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