im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I forget how to act sober
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize