my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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