I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize