When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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