Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
