Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
