sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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