we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
