I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
