you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
