hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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