i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
as a side note pls kill me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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