I wannas sexs uuuuu
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize