I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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