My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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