Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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