just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
