it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
