I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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