If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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