she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize