I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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