They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
