Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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