He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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