I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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