I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
