i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
