home. puking in laundry basket.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
All the doctor said was why
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
